I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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