Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
how drunk are you?
Several
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
