he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
