he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
