You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
