I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
