just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
