Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Acid is not a monday night drug
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
