Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
