how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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