My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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