im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
