all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
