I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
