her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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