highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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