i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
my liver is dry heaving
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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