My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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