Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
