i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
