i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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