Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
