paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
