Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Are my feet made of real feet?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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