shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
