oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
