dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
