Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
