your parents love me but you hate me
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
