we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
