this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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