On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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