you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
