Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
