I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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