I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Four minutes until I can fart!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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