soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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