i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
