Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
