T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
