She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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