If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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