I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
