my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
