Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
