woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
