Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
