Apparently you make a good broom.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
