I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
