I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
