WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
