6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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