youre lurking in front of me
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
