I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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